who am i?

who am i?
i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i've lost myself somewhere . . .
i used to think that i was a nice person, and that people generally liked me. i try so hard to think of others and to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. i try and think of others before myself. i don't think i'm selfish, i'm used to sharing, and when someone is in need i try really hard to be there for them. or atleast thats how i always thought of myself. but lately idk.

the whole thing with brian, him telling mckel how i make him feel has me wondering if thats how i make him feel than i can't be a nice person. alicia is way mad at me. i need to talk to her but i am scared its just gonna make things worse. i thougth that her and i were friends. geuss not. . . .
a nice person doesn't make ppl feel bad. so obviously i'm not nice.

i swear a lot lately. . .i'd like to say that its just becasue i've been super stressed, but is that really the only reason? i can have a lot better vocabulary than i do. i used to really not like the f word, but i've been dropping that bomb a lot lately. once i started it was pretty easy to just keep it going. i don't like the fact that i swear. i need to stop.

how do i feel about the gospel? i know it is true, and i believe in god and everything. but i don't pray. i don't read my scriptures. i don't really enjoy going to church. i know that i have distanced myself from heavenly father. i need to fix that relationship. its so hard though. i feel so guilty for things that i've done.

i know that i'm a horrible person. i'll have to deal with that and make up for things that i've done.

i don't know where i belong anymore. i feel like the only friend i have is mckel. thats all my fault. i could have gone out and made friends at the beginning of the year. the fact that i don't have friends is all my bad-and if it really bothers me then i'll have to do soemthing about it. i can't rely on mckel to be my only friend. thats too much strain and besides; like everything in this world we are gonna get mad at eachother or just need some time away from eachother. in the apt i feel like because i'm not nice 24/7 then they think that i'm a huge jerk. i haven't done anything really rude, i just haven't really been there for them or been really happy. i've been keeping to myself. which is what i do when i'm hurt, overloaded, and stressed. i retreat inside of myself. i probably shoudln't but thats my coping method i geuss you could say.

i don't know where i fit in with my family anymore either. i know i'll always have a place there, they are myfamily, but. . . . i know that this doesn't really mean anything, or atleast it shouldn't, but it does mean somehting to me. i don't have a physical place at home anymore. my mom promised me that i would always have a place to stay at home, and that promise was broken before i even moved away to college. but i've changed since i've moved to college. i think i've changed some ways for the better, but mostly i think that i've changed for the worse. idk

who am i?

Twinkle Twinkle

so i have this saying in my room that my dad made for me and my little brothers at work. its a little corex sign with a background of a star or something, and on it it says "Twinkle Twinkle Little Star, Do You Know How Loved You Are?"

i was thinking about it. . . mostly cause i can't stop thinking about all sorts of things. my brain won't turn off, but it won't turn on to the station that i need it to. . which would be school. so i keep running in circles about all the crap going on. ugh. but anways. back to the point of this blog.

i don't think anyone really ever knows how loved they are. its so much easier to believe the good than the bad. it really is. when ppl tell me i'm pretty i can brush it off easily. mostly cause i've heard how not pretty i am my whole life. we are our own worse critics. unless you are a narcissist or something like that. anywho. . .

i know i'm loved. i know i have ppl who care about me and who are there for me, but . . . just because i know that, that doesn't necessarily mean that i believe that.

do you know how loved you are?


cause i don't.

no more justifying it

I used to justify the way my father treated me by saying that it happens a lot to everyone. that its normal. i really did believe this. that the way he treated me was ok because others had it so much worse. like all of the foster kids that came into our home, their parents were so bad that they had to be taken away. i explained it all away using these excuses. and the excuse that i deserved it. that if only i was a better daughter, that if i didn't make mistakes then he wouldn't have an excuse to yell, to hit me, or to break my stuff. but its not my fault.
he does those things because of who HE is, not because of who I am. the fact that i was never excited to see him when he came home from work when i was little wasn't becasue i am a bad daughter and didn't love my father, it was becasue he would be ornery and always yell. thats his deal, not mine.
he has stopped hitting me, but sometimes i wonder if its cause he really has changed or if its cause i could do more damage to him then he could do to me? i'm stronger now, and i'm not as afraid. if he tried to hit me then i would hit back. i'm not that meek anymore. i will stand up for myself.
it just sucks that he is like that. i don't need to have those memories of him hitting me. of him kicking my butt down the stairs so hard that i hit my head on the door and i had bruises. that i would hide in various spots in the house so that i wouldn't have to see him when i got home.

oh well. its lame. i'll get over it.

driving on the freeway

driving on the freeway. . .
come on ppl. . go faster or GET OUT OF MY WAY!
to all of the courteous drivers who got into the right lane when i came behind them, THANK YOU. i'm sure you're going to heaven :)
to all of the MO FO'S who freaking stayed- i hope you get rear ended some day. (jk)
when someone passes you in the slow lane, that is a clear indication that you need to get out of the fast lane, and get into the slow lane. its not hard. look, check, blinker, drive. simple. so do it. k thnx bye
so seriously. move out of my way.
FOR THE LOVE OF SPEED!
hahaha ok, my little rant is done. :)
poor little mckels car, Betsy, it's stranded on the side of the freeway all by her lonesome. atleast i was able to rescue McKel-iO! we have grand adventures together. :) don't know what i'd do with out that girl!
last night was way fun, i was very very upset. . well it was a battle not to freaking cry my eyes out, but i HATE crying so i managed. . most of the time. we went and got movies, candy, and i got a Mr. Pibb. which is basically the same as Dr. Pepper so i'm ok with that haha.
if mckel hadn't have been there to hold me then i would have probably done soemthing destructive, something i would have regretted. . . . so thank you mckel for being there for me last night. thanks for standing up for me. thanks for caring about me and wanting to make sure that i'm being taken care of. you rock. really. i love you.

i don't even know anymore

I bless you that your big, soft pure Heart will always be able to feel the intents of other's Hearts.

whenever i'm really depressed then i like to read my patriarchal blessing to help sort things out in my head. a lot of things stood out to me today, but this line was even more impressive than others. i've noticed it before, but it has never really stood out to me. i know why it stood out, it's because i'm really stressed about the whole Brian situation. i don't know what i should do.
i really really care about him. . . he's the first guy i've ever said i love you to. yeah i tell my guy friends that i love them, but that is in a friendship way, never this way. there are so many different types of love. anyways, back to the point. i'm scared. . . i don't want to keep getting hurt. my blessing says that i will know the intents of others hearts. right now i really need to know the intent of Brians heart. does he love me like he says he does? does he want me back? does he want me? or is he telling me this just to keep me on the line so that he feels cool to have a college girl liking him. is it just an ego trip for him? why is he doing the things that he is doing? he says that he loves me, but he doesn't want me. that doesn't make any sense to me-at all.
i love him, and i want him. or atleast i did. now i'm not so sure. he has hurt me so badly. . . i don't know if he could ever make it up to me or if i could ever trust him again. i tried so hard to make our relationship work, i was always there for him, i listened, i tried my hardest to be the best for him. he tried really hard for me, and he is very sweet, fun, and he does try. but he is self-centered. when we talk its almost always about him. he isn't good at all about asking me about my life or anything that has to do with me. once in a while he will ask me about my day, but he won't ask for specifics. i just kind of feel like he doesn't really care about whats going on in my life unless it involves or effects him.
he isn't on my intellectual level. that doesn't matter to me. yes i want someone i can talk to about things and have an intelligent conversation, but with brian having any type of conversation is difficult. he isn't very good at the whole talking thing unless it is about cars.
he is always saying how he isn't good enough for me and things like that and i always reassure him how amazing he is and that i want to be with him. everyone is insecure, and i try and help him with his so that he feels confident and secure, but he never does the same for me. yeah he tells me that i'm beautiful sometimes, but i know that isn't true. . . besides, i'd rather he say something about my personality than my looks.
i try and be there for him, and i think for the most part i have been. he has been there for me too, just not really as much as i need. when i was having abandonment issues over thanksgiving break then i texted him and he was there for me. he let me vent to him, and then he just held me. yeah we ended up making out, but i needed that connection right then too. and i think him holding me was the only way he really knows how to help.
we fight a lot. over dumb stuff too. he gets mad when i'm with another guy or mention another guy, so i try really hard not to mention my guy friends. he mentions bailey a lot. and they have a history together. . . they were going out during the summer, well-more like make out buddies than anything, and he fingered her. he tells me that she liked it and she keeps wanting him to do it again. the guys that i hang out with i don't have a history with. i'm just friends with them and that is all that they want. i can understand him being jealous, but i can't help but feel that he brings up bailey on purpose out of spite. but idk.

in my heart of hearts i don't really believe that he loves me. . . how can he? in a previous blog i told about how awful he says i am. oh, but get this; last night we were iming and he said "god damnit amber it is so hard to be your boyfriend. you are so amazingly perfect." if i'm so perfect then why do i make him feel the way he does? if i'm so great then why doesn't he want me? it makes no sense.

the other night i told him that i chose him and that i only wanted him. he asked why, and after he prodded me some i finally caved and i told him what i felt about him. it was so hard to open up to him. well, its hard for me to open up to anyone. he didn't say anything afterwards so i sent another text that said it doesn't matter though cause he doesn't want me. all he did was agree with me and say that he was an ass. that hurt. way way bad.

i'm trying to figure out his intentions and what he really wants. but i don't think that it is going to be very easy cause i don't think he knows what he wants.

after everything, i don't know if i know what i want. i'm so hurt right now i don't know if i love him anymore. when i think about it all i can think and feel is the pain.





maybe if i was a better person, thinner, prettier, nicer, just-better then he would want me. maybe if i was all of those things then someone would want me.

ranting

people tell me that i have TOO much patience. especially my best friend. she wants me to yell at a couple of ppl. . . namely brian, kason, and my family. i keep letting them hurt me, and i keep putting up with their crap and i always give people the benefit of the doubt. . . . and Mckel thinks that is a bad thing. i'm kind of sick of her telling me all of these things that are wrong with me. whenever i just want to chill and relax then she shoves this piece of paper that she has written on that says "The number one rule is. . . DON'T BE BORING!" it gets pretty old sometimes. she has a double standard for her and everyone else. its ok for her to do things, but it isn't ok for other people to do them. . . for example: at the beginning of the year i used my alarm clock for about three days before she was so mad at me for having it that i decided it was just easier to put it away. i can compromise, if it bugs her then i won't use it anymore. no biggie. but then later she wants to borrow it. i'm thinking its only for a day or so. no, no. she's been using it the whole semester. it is way loud and annoying, and she lets it go and go and go and GO. the whole apt is annoyed with her. . . but she doesn't care, she doesn't have the willpower to get up in the mornings so she doesn't care that it wakes everyone else up on their sleep in days. her first class is at ten. . . how is it so hard to wake up at ten? my earliest class is eight, except for my sleep in days which is at nine. the alarm is set to go off at earlier than eight though. so the stupid thing goes for over two hours. rude much? she likes it to be freezing in our room, i like it to be warm. i tried and compromised with her, but now that there is snow on the ground, i'm sick, i can't sleep with it being so cold, and finals are coming up, i need sleep. we've gone over the whole window thing a couple of times, but this time i just told her that i couldn't deal with it, it needed to be closed. our roomie that lives in the room next to us is way cold too. mckel says i have to much patience with rude ppl, but she doesn't realize that she is one of those people. she is so mad at me, she won't talk, which is pretty lame to me. oh well. ugh. all she ever tells me is criticism, and thats all i ever hear from anyone. i used to think i was a nice person, but now i'm not so sure. brian and mckel keep telling me how some of the things i say aren't so nice. since when is honesty not nice? i try and say things in a nice way, and i really think about others feelings, but i guess its not as much as i should. oh geez. i'm so stressed about everything, and all my friends are being babies. ok, so not all of them, just my close friends. sometimes i feel like i have to take care of everyone, especially mckel. its not very fair. . . but i know what i'm going to do. i'm going to keep on being there for them, listening, helping, comforting, boosting, whatever. cause thats what i do. i don't care waht they say, i am a nice person. everyone has their moments, but i am a nice person. ppl are just so contradictory. mckel says i'm too nice and too patient, and i let ppl get away with things, but then again she turns around and says that sometimes the way i say things isn't that great. what am i supposed to do? stop being myself? i don't even know who i am anymore. everyone has puled me so far out of wack that i don't know what to do, where to go, or who i am. i'm so glad there is a break coming up. i need to do some serious self reflecting. ugh. finals. yuck.