i don't even know anymore

I bless you that your big, soft pure Heart will always be able to feel the intents of other's Hearts.

whenever i'm really depressed then i like to read my patriarchal blessing to help sort things out in my head. a lot of things stood out to me today, but this line was even more impressive than others. i've noticed it before, but it has never really stood out to me. i know why it stood out, it's because i'm really stressed about the whole Brian situation. i don't know what i should do.
i really really care about him. . . he's the first guy i've ever said i love you to. yeah i tell my guy friends that i love them, but that is in a friendship way, never this way. there are so many different types of love. anyways, back to the point. i'm scared. . . i don't want to keep getting hurt. my blessing says that i will know the intents of others hearts. right now i really need to know the intent of Brians heart. does he love me like he says he does? does he want me back? does he want me? or is he telling me this just to keep me on the line so that he feels cool to have a college girl liking him. is it just an ego trip for him? why is he doing the things that he is doing? he says that he loves me, but he doesn't want me. that doesn't make any sense to me-at all.
i love him, and i want him. or atleast i did. now i'm not so sure. he has hurt me so badly. . . i don't know if he could ever make it up to me or if i could ever trust him again. i tried so hard to make our relationship work, i was always there for him, i listened, i tried my hardest to be the best for him. he tried really hard for me, and he is very sweet, fun, and he does try. but he is self-centered. when we talk its almost always about him. he isn't good at all about asking me about my life or anything that has to do with me. once in a while he will ask me about my day, but he won't ask for specifics. i just kind of feel like he doesn't really care about whats going on in my life unless it involves or effects him.
he isn't on my intellectual level. that doesn't matter to me. yes i want someone i can talk to about things and have an intelligent conversation, but with brian having any type of conversation is difficult. he isn't very good at the whole talking thing unless it is about cars.
he is always saying how he isn't good enough for me and things like that and i always reassure him how amazing he is and that i want to be with him. everyone is insecure, and i try and help him with his so that he feels confident and secure, but he never does the same for me. yeah he tells me that i'm beautiful sometimes, but i know that isn't true. . . besides, i'd rather he say something about my personality than my looks.
i try and be there for him, and i think for the most part i have been. he has been there for me too, just not really as much as i need. when i was having abandonment issues over thanksgiving break then i texted him and he was there for me. he let me vent to him, and then he just held me. yeah we ended up making out, but i needed that connection right then too. and i think him holding me was the only way he really knows how to help.
we fight a lot. over dumb stuff too. he gets mad when i'm with another guy or mention another guy, so i try really hard not to mention my guy friends. he mentions bailey a lot. and they have a history together. . . they were going out during the summer, well-more like make out buddies than anything, and he fingered her. he tells me that she liked it and she keeps wanting him to do it again. the guys that i hang out with i don't have a history with. i'm just friends with them and that is all that they want. i can understand him being jealous, but i can't help but feel that he brings up bailey on purpose out of spite. but idk.

in my heart of hearts i don't really believe that he loves me. . . how can he? in a previous blog i told about how awful he says i am. oh, but get this; last night we were iming and he said "god damnit amber it is so hard to be your boyfriend. you are so amazingly perfect." if i'm so perfect then why do i make him feel the way he does? if i'm so great then why doesn't he want me? it makes no sense.

the other night i told him that i chose him and that i only wanted him. he asked why, and after he prodded me some i finally caved and i told him what i felt about him. it was so hard to open up to him. well, its hard for me to open up to anyone. he didn't say anything afterwards so i sent another text that said it doesn't matter though cause he doesn't want me. all he did was agree with me and say that he was an ass. that hurt. way way bad.

i'm trying to figure out his intentions and what he really wants. but i don't think that it is going to be very easy cause i don't think he knows what he wants.

after everything, i don't know if i know what i want. i'm so hurt right now i don't know if i love him anymore. when i think about it all i can think and feel is the pain.





maybe if i was a better person, thinner, prettier, nicer, just-better then he would want me. maybe if i was all of those things then someone would want me.