who am i?

who am i?
i feel like i don't know who i am anymore. i've lost myself somewhere . . .
i used to think that i was a nice person, and that people generally liked me. i try so hard to think of others and to give ppl the benefit of the doubt. i try and think of others before myself. i don't think i'm selfish, i'm used to sharing, and when someone is in need i try really hard to be there for them. or atleast thats how i always thought of myself. but lately idk.

the whole thing with brian, him telling mckel how i make him feel has me wondering if thats how i make him feel than i can't be a nice person. alicia is way mad at me. i need to talk to her but i am scared its just gonna make things worse. i thougth that her and i were friends. geuss not. . . .
a nice person doesn't make ppl feel bad. so obviously i'm not nice.

i swear a lot lately. . .i'd like to say that its just becasue i've been super stressed, but is that really the only reason? i can have a lot better vocabulary than i do. i used to really not like the f word, but i've been dropping that bomb a lot lately. once i started it was pretty easy to just keep it going. i don't like the fact that i swear. i need to stop.

how do i feel about the gospel? i know it is true, and i believe in god and everything. but i don't pray. i don't read my scriptures. i don't really enjoy going to church. i know that i have distanced myself from heavenly father. i need to fix that relationship. its so hard though. i feel so guilty for things that i've done.

i know that i'm a horrible person. i'll have to deal with that and make up for things that i've done.

i don't know where i belong anymore. i feel like the only friend i have is mckel. thats all my fault. i could have gone out and made friends at the beginning of the year. the fact that i don't have friends is all my bad-and if it really bothers me then i'll have to do soemthing about it. i can't rely on mckel to be my only friend. thats too much strain and besides; like everything in this world we are gonna get mad at eachother or just need some time away from eachother. in the apt i feel like because i'm not nice 24/7 then they think that i'm a huge jerk. i haven't done anything really rude, i just haven't really been there for them or been really happy. i've been keeping to myself. which is what i do when i'm hurt, overloaded, and stressed. i retreat inside of myself. i probably shoudln't but thats my coping method i geuss you could say.

i don't know where i fit in with my family anymore either. i know i'll always have a place there, they are myfamily, but. . . . i know that this doesn't really mean anything, or atleast it shouldn't, but it does mean somehting to me. i don't have a physical place at home anymore. my mom promised me that i would always have a place to stay at home, and that promise was broken before i even moved away to college. but i've changed since i've moved to college. i think i've changed some ways for the better, but mostly i think that i've changed for the worse. idk

who am i?